That Which is Unexpected Read online

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  In addition to being head maid, Tia was also my and Cheza’s close quarters combat instructor in the fully padded gym that is in the house’s basement. I say my and Cheza’s but it’s really more like she is just my combat instructor. As far as I’ve seen, the only thing Tia instructs Cheza in is cardio kickboxing, while my instruction is more the ‘full contact sparring’ type of instruction. This sounds like an awesome situation, especially if one takes into consideration the fact that Tia is a Latina bombshell. Tia looks to be somewhere around her early thirties, 5’7” with long legs, brown eyes, black hair that falls in a sheet that hits her shoulder blades, facial features that look almost regal, and a seductive smile that is almost constantly on her face. With her looking like Penelope Cruz with longer legs and darker hair (bust size at a 34C is about right though), it is understandable why Jason lies about having slept with her… lied.

  So full contact sparring sounds great right? I mean, it’s like a teenage male’s wet dream to be able to have full body contact with a woman like that, while getting all sweaty and possibly rolling around on the ground, right!? Wrong. It would only be great if I was a hardcore masochist, but then I’d lose consciousness five minutes into the lesson with a large amount of fluid covering the inside of my pants.

  “But it is full contact sparring right? Like FULL contact?” Jason asked me while we were on the subject one day when we were fifteen.

  “So just grab her tit! She seemed to enjoy it when I did it!” He told me.

  “I thought you slept with Lupita,” I sarcastically replied.

  “Right, her too!” Jason exclaimed. “Anyway, just try it!”

  So of course being a hormone driven fifteen year old male, I tried. I thought I’d be smooth and act like I tripped in front of her with my hands out stretched.

  ‘Great in theory, terrible in execution,’ I thought as she glided to the side and dropped an elbow into my back.

  As I rolled over and stared up while trying to work out a hostage negotiation with my lungs to exchange wind for CO2, she just smiled down at me with that seductive little smile of hers and said “I’m sorry, I thought you were trying to get a jump start on today’s lesson!” Tia sat me up and started tenderly rubbing the spot on my back that her elbow had recently impaled, while saying “You poor thing. There we go. Feel better?” leaving me with the assumption that maybe she didn’t know what I was up to.

  I told Jason the next day during biology class and he whispered back with “Okay new plan! While sparring, start to go in for a single leg sweep and when you go to grab her shoulders, just move one of your hands down a few inches and boom! Enterprise, we have made contact with alien life… wait, I don’t think they ever said that in Star Trek… let me try again. Just move one of your hands down a few inches and boom! These are not the droids you’re looking for!” Jason exclaimed.

  “THAT’S NOT EVEN THE SAME SERIES!” I shouted back at him before realizing the setting of our conversation. Mr. Lewis just looked at us with an incredulous stare, jaw agape until he sighed and shook his head slowly.

  “Mr. Treyfair, you are correct, that is not the same series. Thus, on the next test, you get two bonus points while Mr. Mathews gets docked two points regardless of his actual score. Congratulations Mr. Mathews! You have the unique opportunity to actually get an F- on the next test! I’m honestly hoping that you don’t show up that day so I can be the first teacher to ever give a student an F-!” Mr. Lewis said.

  Jason responded by standing up and taking a bow while I was too fazed by the fact that Mr. Lewis could hear us over the sound of his voice when we were whispering in the middle of the room. Come test day, Jason actually did get an F- and he celebrated by having the test and a copy framed. Mr. Lewis still had that test hanging up on his wall when we graduated.

  The next day I tried out Jason’s plan and it worked! The only problem was that I was so focused on grabbing Tia’s right breast that I missed her left fist flying straight towards my temple. That was the one and only time I had ever been knocked out while sparring with her.

  I regained consciousness to a pounding head, a cold, wet sensation on my forehead, a warm wet sensation on the back of my head, and a melodic sound nearby. As I took stock of my surroundings, I realized that the cold sensation was a wet towel, and the warm sensation was… sweat? I cracked my eyes open enough so that I could just barely see, but not enough to be noticeable to most people. I realized that my head was in Tia’s lap, the sound was her humming something that sounded like a folk song, and she was stroking my hair while looking down at me with her seductive little smile.

  “You’re getting better at this,” Tia told me. “If I wasn’t looking right at you, I wouldn’t be able to tell that you are awake. Now tell me about your situation.”

  “Well I was knocked unconscious, there is a wet towel on my head, my head is in your lap, you are stroking my hair, and you were humming something earlier… A folk song?” I asked.

  “Very good! You are right on most accounts, but it seems you are missing the most important detail!” Tia informed me, her smile slowly broadening.

  I was proud that I had grown up a little bit that day because it was the first time I realized that Tia is a psychological sadist. Then I realized what I was missing.

  Tia wasn’t wearing the yoga pants she was sparring in.

  I suddenly thought that maybe I had grown up too fast, my mind reeling with the idea that the moisture on the back of my head might not have been sweat. Of course fifteen year old me’s libido driven brain immediately got excited at the possibility. That is, until I realized a very important fact caused my heart to start racing even faster and not in the good way: Tia’s seductive smile can instantly change into her predatory smile.

  My thoughts had immediately split and then started scrambling into eight different directions with common theme of “Holy shit, Holy shit, I’m about to get raped.” The thoughts went something like this:

  Me 1: “Holy shit, Holy shit, I’m about to get raped. Where is my rape whistle? HAS ANYONE SEEN MY RAPE WHISTLE!?”

  Me 2 @ Me 1: “You don’t have a rape whistle, you jackass!”

  Me 3: “Quick! What’s the number for 911?”

  Me 4: “Where’s Chris Hansen!? SOMEBODY GET ME CHRIS HANSEN!”

  Me 5: “Quickly, somebody get me some snacks! I heard predators love snacks! We have to stall until Chris Hansen can get here! WE NEED COOKIES AND LEMONADE!”

  Me 6: “Holy Shit! CAN SHE TURN INVISIBLE TOO!? AND WHO THE HELL IS CHRIS HANSEN? SHOULDN’T WE BE CALLING ALIEN INSTEAD!?” 1

  Me 7: “HOW THE HELL IS ALIEN SUPPOSED TO USE A PHONE WITH HIS VELOCIRAPTOR ARMS AND TINY INSIDE MOUTH THAT I ASSUME DOES ALL THE TALKING? WE NEED THAT AUSTRIAN GUY! YOU KNOW, THE GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA!”

  Me 5: “NOT THAT KIND OF PREDATOR YOU DIPSHITS!”

  Me 7: “ARNOLD SCHWARTZENEGGER!”

  Me 8: “Why are you guys yelling? I don’t know why you are all freaking out. This might not be so bad! Just think about it… How many people can honestly say their first time was with a girl this hot?”

  Me 1-2 & 4-7: “You’re right!”

  Me 1: “Does anybody remember the proper way to put on a condom?”

  Me 2: “Does anybody here actually even remember health class?

  Me 4: “No… If you start to put it on backwards can you just flip it like a mini trampoline or do you scrap it and get a new one?”

  Me 5: “WHO ARE YOU, DANE COOK!?”

  Me 6: “WHICH JACKASS TURNED ON THE DAMN BLENDER?”

  Me 3: “HEY GUYS! I’M MAKING SMOOTHIES, DOES ANYBODY WANT ONE?”

  Tia laughed, snapping me out of my inner monologue.

  “You look like a mouse that has been cornered by an anaconda!” Tia choked out while still laughing. Nice analogy, Tia. I started to get up but she pushed my head back down.

  “Relax cherry boy! You have a concussion, the wet thing on your forehead isn’t a towel, it’s an ointm
ent pad to help the concussion, and the reason I’m not wearing any pants is because you puked all over them,” Tia informed me.

  “I guess that is a pretty good reason to stay still,” I conceded.

  “Who said anything about that? I just want you to keep your head where it’s at because it feels good!” Tia teased, and then started laughing when she noticed my nervousness.

  “What? Would it have made you feel any better if it had been Chezarei in my place?” Tia asked while gesturing to the other bench where the silver-haired girl that I call my little sister sat with tears in her radiant blue eyes. “She’s been like that ever since she came down for her lesson and saw you unconscious.”

  Me 3: “Now how many guys get to say that their first time was with their little sister?”

  Me 7: “Insert ‘The South’ joke here and, according to Jason, like half of Japan.”

  Me 8: “That can’t be right…”

  Me 3: “JAMN strikes again!”

  Me 8: “JAMN?”

  Me 3: “Jack of All, Master of None equals JAMN.”

  Me 1: “When the hell did Jason get here!?

  Jason: “Hey Coles, you should really try these smoothies! They’re awesome!”

  Me 3: “No way bro! You are totally not eating all my Funions!”

  Me 2: “So that is what your brain looks like on drugs.”

  Me 5: “Do we even like Funions?”

  Me 1,2,4,6,7,8: “No”

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